GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Every saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning.



The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Director: George Lucas
Runtime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it)
Genre: Disgraceful Prequel
Stars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman
Rated: PG for Sci-Fi/Action Violence, Mild Gungan Profanity, and Crimes Against a Generation's Collective Childhood.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Phantom Menace

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away two men decided to embark upon a great quest: to do fan commentary tracks for all six episodes of Star Wars. We begin with The Phantom Menace, which just happens to be coming back to theaters on February 10, and in price-and-eye-gouging 3D. We here at Gymkommentary do not recommend you pay $18 to see Episode I, but if you have to, see it with us. We'll share your frustration through the interminable discussions of trade routes and taxation, and share your disgust at the slightest mention of Jar Jar Binks.

May the Force be with you Gymkommentarians. You will need it.

Gymkommentary 16: The Saga Begins

We just brought you Gymkommentary 15 and we've already got Gymkommentary 16 recorded. MULTITASKING, BITCHES!

Your clue:



This, uh, this is not a subtle hint.

GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go!

No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something.



The Tale of the Tape
Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983)
Director: Sam Firstenberg
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Ninja Revenge
Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars
Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie Reviews

To get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

As you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're getting revenge for something too. So it's like Revenge of the Ninja on the Revenge of the Ninjas. But then it gets MORE complicated: because the Sho's business partner gets -- SPOILER ALERT! -- double crossed on a drug deal, and he's ALSO a ninja and then HE gets revenge. So it's really Revenge of the Ninja on the Ninja Who Wanted Revenge on the Ninjas Who Previously Got Revenge. I think I read somewhere that that was the original title.

Whatever you want to call it, this is another craptacular 80s flick from one of our favorite directors here at Gymkommentary, Sam Firstenberg (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). There are fights and more fights and then a fight on a badminton court. That's right: this commentary will rock your shuttlecocks or your money back! Since you didn't pay a dime, I'm not too worried.

Prepare for Gymkommentary Redux!

Some of you may not know this about me, but I'm kind of an idiot. And recently I was informed that our older episodes are not downloading thru iTunes (they are currently all working on the blog). I've tried to figure out how to simply get the older episodes to work again in iTunes and come up short. If you have a solution, I'd love to hear it. In the meantime, I'm thinking of occasionally republishing our old commentaries here on the blog just so they are all available on iTunes, since that's the way most folks like to download the tracks. In other words, don't freak out if suddenly you find another GYMKATA Gymkommentary in your iTunes subscription; it'll be the exact same track, so if you still have the old one you can just delete this one.

Chris and I will record our brand new Gymkommentary at the end of September and will hopefully have it up a week or two later.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of blog posts. Yakmala!

Just ignore this.

Ignore me doing this.

Gymkommentary 15: A Whale's Vagina

We haven't recorded the next Gymkommentary yet, but we've chosen a movie (it was Moreno's pick this time) so I'm passing along the clue to let the teasery commence.

We're hoping to do it shortly after Chris gets back from San Diego Comic-Con. And speaking of Comic-Con, if you go, make sure you say hi to Chris in Artist's Alley at booth AA-03. He says he promises to sign any Gymkommentaries you put in front of him, assuming you can figure out a way to put a formless audio file in front of him.

Here's your clue to Gymkommentary 15.



Most mysterious.

GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

A lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me:

THIS ONE.




The Tale of the Tape
Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Director: Chris Sivertson
Runtime: 105 minutes
Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue
Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever.
IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me"

To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visuals, plus it's all topped off with maybe the least sexy striptease sequences in movie history. Who watches Showgirls and thinks, "Y'know that Elizabeth Berkley really handled the transition from teen to adult parts with grace and class!"? Lindsay Lohan, that's who! So grab your psychic twin, give him or her a bouquet of blue roses, and prepare for the night of your life.