GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement.

And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: Righteous Kill (2008)
Director: Jon Avnet
Runtime: 101 minutes
Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller
Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy
Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall

To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your assistant's assistant's assistant, or fill up your Bentley Mulsanne's gas tank with biodiesel on indie cred and old Academy Awards. Sometimes you gotta take a job for the paycheck. But it'd be nice if you at least pretended to care about the role while you were playing it.

You can't say De Niro and Pacino phone it in in Righteous Kill. Their performances are too disinterested than that; it's more like they text it in. And when you're getting out-acted by a former New Kid on the Block, it's time to step up your game. Which is exactly what Matt and Chris did when they took on this mega-bomb. Are you righteous enough to join them?

NOTE: As of March 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Gymkommentary 11: More Fun Than Fun

Here's your clue as to next month's track, scheduled to go up March 1st:


And, no, we're not doing Heat. That wouldn't be a clue; that would be just telling you what we're doing.

Also, Chris and I picked out April's Gymkommentary target, but after that we have no specific plans. So I throw it to you listeners: what movies would YOU like to have Gymkommentary tracks for?

GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state."

Merriam-Webster can go eff himself.

Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Stabilizer (1986)
Director: Arizal
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie
Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz
Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club

To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

This Indonesian action classic may be our most obscure Gymkommentary subject to date, but I promise: after this movie and this commentary, you will never look at stable things the same way again. A guy who sorta looks like Rambo heads to Asia to blow the holy crap out of stabilize Jakarta, where he fights a guy who sorta looks like Mr. T and another guy who uses golf cleats as a deadly weapon. That Greg Rainmaker, he is the man we hate the most, but The Stabilizer, it is the movie we love almost as much as Gymkata.

NOTE: As of February 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Gymkommentary 10 is on its way!

It's been recorded and edited and it should be posted online by the end of the month. In the meantime, here's a clue to the title of the film:



Don't be worried if you don't get it. Gymkom' 10 is our most obscure title yet. But it's a good'un, I promise.

GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

Silent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)
Director: Ace Hannah
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie
Stars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" Chao
Rated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad Attitude
IMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized Airplane

To get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Based on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade acting, and at least three or four special effect shots used over, and over, and over (and over)* again. Stay out of deep water (or "wah-tehr") while Mega Matt and Giant Chris take on the film that audiences have called "Wait, it's called what? That's stupid."

*and over

GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned!


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
Director: Mic Rodgers
Runtime: 82 minutes
Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger
Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley
Rated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip Club
IMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove"

To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Yes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

Gymkommentary 8 -- COMING SOON!

OK, so it's not recorded yet. But it will be. Soon. OK, soonish. Not later, anyway. More like midway between sooner and later. And, this time, instead of giving a cryptic clue, I'm gonna just TELL you what movie we're doing. Assuming you're up for a little game of You Tube Movie Trailer Charades. Here goes!

First word:



Second word:



Third and Fourth words:



Look for it by the end of the month. Oh yes.