We haven't recorded the next Gymkommentary yet, but we've chosen a movie (it was Moreno's pick this time) so I'm passing along the clue to let the teasery commence.
We're hoping to do it shortly after Chris gets back from San Diego Comic-Con. And speaking of Comic-Con, if you go, make sure you say hi to Chris in Artist's Alley at booth AA-03. He says he promises to sign any Gymkommentaries you put in front of him, assuming you can figure out a way to put a formless audio file in front of him.
Here's your clue to Gymkommentary 15.
Most mysterious.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me
A lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me:
THIS ONE.
The Tale of the Tape
Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Director: Chris Sivertson
Runtime: 105 minutes
Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue
Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever.
IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me"
To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visuals, plus it's all topped off with maybe the least sexy striptease sequences in movie history. Who watches Showgirls and thinks, "Y'know that Elizabeth Berkley really handled the transition from teen to adult parts with grace and class!"? Lindsay Lohan, that's who! So grab your psychic twin, give him or her a bouquet of blue roses, and prepare for the night of your life.
THIS ONE.
The Tale of the Tape
Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Director: Chris Sivertson
Runtime: 105 minutes
Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue
Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever.
IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me"
To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visuals, plus it's all topped off with maybe the least sexy striptease sequences in movie history. Who watches Showgirls and thinks, "Y'know that Elizabeth Berkley really handled the transition from teen to adult parts with grace and class!"? Lindsay Lohan, that's who! So grab your psychic twin, give him or her a bouquet of blue roses, and prepare for the night of your life.
Friday, October 15, 2010
GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before.
Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this.
The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Director: Robert Wise
Runtime: 136 minutes (The"Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut")
Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi
Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven"
Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future.
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek
To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
Some people might see a movie like Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think, "This movie's boring, I wonder what's on Sleuth." I saw it and thought "This movie's boring, I gotta watch this with Chris!" And watch it we did, though I wouldn't say we were...energized? Get it? Energized? Star Trek? Eh? Eh? Eh.
Anyway if you're a fan of ponderous science-fiction with no sense of pacing, and of two goofballs doing terrible James Doohan impressions while drinking straight Coconut Jack, this movie and this Gymkommentary are for you. And if you're not, may we suggest our upcoming sci-fi reality show V'Ger-sey Shore, about a spaceship full of Gorilla Juiceheads who encounter a mysterious intelligence on the edge of space (i.e. Belmar, New Jersey).
Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this.
The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Director: Robert Wise
Runtime: 136 minutes (The
Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi
Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven"
Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future.
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek
To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
Some people might see a movie like Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think, "This movie's boring, I wonder what's on Sleuth." I saw it and thought "This movie's boring, I gotta watch this with Chris!" And watch it we did, though I wouldn't say we were...energized? Get it? Energized? Star Trek? Eh? Eh? Eh.
Anyway if you're a fan of ponderous science-fiction with no sense of pacing, and of two goofballs doing terrible James Doohan impressions while drinking straight Coconut Jack, this movie and this Gymkommentary are for you. And if you're not, may we suggest our upcoming sci-fi reality show V'Ger-sey Shore, about a spaceship full of Gorilla Juiceheads who encounter a mysterious intelligence on the edge of space (i.e. Belmar, New Jersey).
Gymkommentary 13: For Real This Time
Okay, yes, we screwed up. Promises were made. They were not kept. But this time, the next Gymkommentary is already recorded. I'm listening to it right now for quality control purposes. So it should be up next week. In the meantime, here's a clue as to what it is (We're gonna get to that other movie we were planning on doing at a later date).
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Gymkommentary 13: We Predict You'll Like It
Chris and I haven't recorded the next Gymkommentary yet but we've agreed on the movie and we're both very excited about it. So look for it in about a month. Here's your clue:
Let the psychic speculation begin.
Let the psychic speculation begin.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them.
(OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.)
(In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.)
(We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.)
The Tale of the Tape
Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Director: Gavin Hood
Runtime: 107 minutes
Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins
Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood Whatsoever
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire Internet
To get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
This time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.
(OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.)
(In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.)
(We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.)
The Tale of the Tape
Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Director: Gavin Hood
Runtime: 107 minutes
Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins
Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood Whatsoever
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire Internet
To get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary
This time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Gymkommentary 12: The Dirty Dozen
Chris and I are scheduled to record April's Gymkommentary this weekend. If it's not up April 1st, it should be up shortly thereafter. Here's your clue:
Hmmm... what could it possibly be? Oh! I know! Navy SEALs!
Hmmm... what could it possibly be? Oh! I know! Navy SEALs!
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