GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned!


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
Director: Mic Rodgers
Runtime: 82 minutes
Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger
Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley
Rated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip Club
IMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove"

To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Yes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

Gymkommentary 8 -- COMING SOON!

OK, so it's not recorded yet. But it will be. Soon. OK, soonish. Not later, anyway. More like midway between sooner and later. And, this time, instead of giving a cryptic clue, I'm gonna just TELL you what movie we're doing. Assuming you're up for a little game of You Tube Movie Trailer Charades. Here goes!

First word:



Second word:



Third and Fourth words:



Look for it by the end of the month. Oh yes.

GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King

He killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Scorpion King (2002)
Director: Chuck Russell
Runtime: 92 minutes
Genre: Sandalsploitation
Stars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter Facinelli
Rated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atrocious White Man Dreadlocks, and Scenes of A Dude Claiming to Invent Things He Didn't Actually Invent.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Create Your Own The Rock Wrestling Outfit

To get this THE SCORPION KING GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

On this Gymkommentary, the actor formerly known as the wrestler The Rock makes the movie formerly known as Conan the Barbarian. Yes, swords, sandals, and sorcery: this movie has it all. Or at least all that Conan had. But it's fun anyway. Oh and if you can smell what The Rock is cooking, consult your physician. He is not in your house and you should not be able to smell him or his protein-rich diet.

Gymkommentary 7 Has Been Invented!

Chris and I just did our first inter-Skype commentary and it was a rousing success. This means that in the future you can expect much more frequent (and -- Kurt Thomas willing -- regular) Gymkommentary tracks for your listening enjoyment. #7 is in the can and should be ready for download by the weekend. In the meantime, here's your clue as to the film:

GYMKOMMENTARY #6: Rambo: First Blood Part II

It's a long road, when you're on your own. And it hurts when they tear your dreams apart. And it's a longer road, when you're with the Gymkommentators. And it hurts when they never shut their mouths.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
Director: George P. Cosmatos
Runtime: 96 minutes
Genre: National Revenge Fantasy
Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Charles Napier, Martin Kove, Julia Nickson-Soul
Rated: R for Gun Violence, Graphic Sweat Stains, and Scenes of Intense Facial Jiggling
IMDb, Wikipedia, Officially Licensed Rambo Knives

To get this RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

On Gymkommentary 6: Rambo: First Blood Part II: Leonard Part 6, Matt and Chris head back to Vietnam, a land of exotic beauty, blatantly racist dialogue, and architecture that explodes when you shoot it with an arrow. Rambo's gonna take a mulligan on that whole Vietnam War thing: and this time, we get to WIN, thanks to Sly Stallone's rippling physique and flapping jowls. Grab some popcorn and a good supply of bodybags, and prepare yourselves for the bloodiest Gymkommentary ever.

Gymkommentary 6 will blow you away!

It's already recorded and coming soon. Here's your clue:

GYMKOMMENTARY #5: The Wicker Man (2006)

Okay everyone! Look at the camera and say "How'd it get burned?!? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?"

The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Wicker Man (2006)
Director: Neil LaBute
Runtime: 102 minutes
Genre: Regrettable Remake
Stars: Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Leelee Sobieski
Rated: PG-13 for Intense Hairpieces, Suggestive Kicks to the Face, and Disturbing Images of Little Girls Being Run Over By Trucks On Boats
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Wicker Man on Rotten Tomatoes

To get this WICKER MAN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

On this enthralling edition of Gymkommentary, Matt and Chris head off to Summersisle where the women paint their faces like villains from the original Star Trek, the men are mute sex slaves, and Nicholas Cage calls little girls liars and kicks Leelee Sobieski right in her talk hole. I know it sounds like the greatest place on earth, but don't go buying a timeshare just yet! For this island carries a terrible secret. What could it be? I don't want to spoil anything, but here's a hint: it rhymes with "schmooman hackrifice." Truly these are our favorite things, our favorite things.

Gymkommentary 5 is alive!

Holy crap, has it taken a while. I blame Bernie Madoff.

Okay, here's your clue:



"Good luck. Good life. Good Gymkommentary. Coming Soon."