GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before.

Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Director: Robert Wise
Runtime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut")
Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi
Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven"
Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future.
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek

To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Some people might see a movie like Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think, "This movie's boring, I wonder what's on Sleuth." I saw it and thought "This movie's boring, I gotta watch this with Chris!" And watch it we did, though I wouldn't say we were...energized? Get it? Energized? Star Trek? Eh? Eh? Eh.

Anyway if you're a fan of ponderous science-fiction with no sense of pacing, and of two goofballs doing terrible James Doohan impressions while drinking straight Coconut Jack, this movie and this Gymkommentary are for you. And if you're not, may we suggest our upcoming sci-fi reality show V'Ger-sey Shore, about a spaceship full of Gorilla Juiceheads who encounter a mysterious intelligence on the edge of space (i.e. Belmar, New Jersey).

Gymkommentary 13: For Real This Time

Okay, yes, we screwed up. Promises were made. They were not kept. But this time, the next Gymkommentary is already recorded. I'm listening to it right now for quality control purposes. So it should be up next week. In the meantime, here's a clue as to what it is (We're gonna get to that other movie we were planning on doing at a later date).

Gymkommentary 13: We Predict You'll Like It

Chris and I haven't recorded the next Gymkommentary yet but we've agreed on the movie and we're both very excited about it. So look for it in about a month. Here's your clue:



Let the psychic speculation begin.

GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them.

(OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.)

(In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.)

(We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.)



The Tale of the Tape
Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Director: Gavin Hood
Runtime: 107 minutes
Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins
Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood Whatsoever
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire Internet

To get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

This time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.

Gymkommentary 12: The Dirty Dozen

Chris and I are scheduled to record April's Gymkommentary this weekend. If it's not up April 1st, it should be up shortly thereafter. Here's your clue:


Hmmm... what could it possibly be? Oh! I know! Navy SEALs!

GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement.

And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: Righteous Kill (2008)
Director: Jon Avnet
Runtime: 101 minutes
Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller
Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy
Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall

To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your assistant's assistant's assistant, or fill up your Bentley Mulsanne's gas tank with biodiesel on indie cred and old Academy Awards. Sometimes you gotta take a job for the paycheck. But it'd be nice if you at least pretended to care about the role while you were playing it.

You can't say De Niro and Pacino phone it in in Righteous Kill. Their performances are too disinterested than that; it's more like they text it in. And when you're getting out-acted by a former New Kid on the Block, it's time to step up your game. Which is exactly what Matt and Chris did when they took on this mega-bomb. Are you righteous enough to join them?

NOTE: As of March 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Gymkommentary 11: More Fun Than Fun

Here's your clue as to next month's track, scheduled to go up March 1st:


And, no, we're not doing Heat. That wouldn't be a clue; that would be just telling you what we're doing.

Also, Chris and I picked out April's Gymkommentary target, but after that we have no specific plans. So I throw it to you listeners: what movies would YOU like to have Gymkommentary tracks for?

GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state."

Merriam-Webster can go eff himself.

Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Stabilizer (1986)
Director: Arizal
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie
Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz
Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club

To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

This Indonesian action classic may be our most obscure Gymkommentary subject to date, but I promise: after this movie and this commentary, you will never look at stable things the same way again. A guy who sorta looks like Rambo heads to Asia to blow the holy crap out of stabilize Jakarta, where he fights a guy who sorta looks like Mr. T and another guy who uses golf cleats as a deadly weapon. That Greg Rainmaker, he is the man we hate the most, but The Stabilizer, it is the movie we love almost as much as Gymkata.

NOTE: As of February 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Gymkommentary 10 is on its way!

It's been recorded and edited and it should be posted online by the end of the month. In the meantime, here's a clue to the title of the film:



Don't be worried if you don't get it. Gymkom' 10 is our most obscure title yet. But it's a good'un, I promise.

GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

Silent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)
Director: Ace Hannah
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie
Stars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" Chao
Rated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad Attitude
IMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized Airplane

To get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Based on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade acting, and at least three or four special effect shots used over, and over, and over (and over)* again. Stay out of deep water (or "wah-tehr") while Mega Matt and Giant Chris take on the film that audiences have called "Wait, it's called what? That's stupid."

*and over